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EDITORIAL

5 Inventions Cruisers Need

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Want to make a lot of money? Like, the kind of money that will allow you to not only take a bunch of cruises, but buy the deluxe drink package… you know, featuring the premium, top-shelf stuff? Figure out a way to solve one of these problems that have bedeviled cruisers for ages, then sell it to one of the major lines and reap the rewards.

1. Slamless doors.

On ships like Anthem Of The Seas, the nightstands have those cool drawers that slowly, silently close themselves. So why can’t someone figure out a way to do the same thing with the cabin doors… not to mention those leading to the crew corridors?

2. Noise-buffering balcony barriers.

Because balconies are basically caves with steel walls, they are also echo chambers. How many mornings have you been awakened by someone above or beside you rearranging the deck chairs on their balcony or folks having late-night conversations at a totally normal level that, thanks to the sound bouncing off the metal walls, winds up sounding way louder than it is?

3. A (largely) smoke-free casino.

On most ships, the casino is the one place where the worlds of the smoking and non-smoking passengers really collide, as it is basically the only indoor venue where tobacco products are allowed. Many gamblers like — and should be allowed — to smoke. Many non-gamblers like — and should be able — to not breath it in. The obvious (to me anyway) solution is two casinos on two different decks, but short of that, the lines need far better air purifications systems than the ones currently in place.

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4) Fool-proof bacon.

I’m not sure what it is about cruise ship kitchens, but something — maybe in the air? — seems to render them incapable of making consistently crispy bacon. Perhaps it’s the same mysterious something that also seems to turn any coffee not paid for into swill? Someone get on this… stat!

5) Kvetch Kones.

Somehow, no matter whether I’m at the atrium bar or in the main dining room, I always wind up in close proximity to one of those people who aren’t happy unless they are complaining — loudly — about something. There’s too much or too little of everything for these people. Well, remember how on the classic spy sitcom Get Smart they had the awesome Cone Of Silence which would basically enclose your head and that of the person you were talking to so nobody else could hear your conversation? Imagine if, with the touch of a button, you could have one magically drop out of the ceiling and over the head of the person complaining that they should get a refund because it rained on their beach day!

What do you think needs to be invented? 

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