You are the healthiest of cruisers, managing to avoid everything from bouts of seasickness to the battalion of bugs out to assail your immune system during the flight to and from the port. Despite this, you’re still likely to suffer from one or more of the following ailments which tend to strike during that first week following a cruise, when you are at your most vulnerable.
1. Casino Arm
The human body is a wondrous thing, but it can only handle so much. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that a week of pushing the “Bet Max Amount” button on an endless array of slot machines will result in soreness. This can often be accompanied by what what’s known as “sleep gambling,” in which you randomly pull the arm of your spouse and shout, “Mama needs a new pair of shoes!”
2. Dance Fever
Those over the age of 50 are particularly vulnerable to this malady. As best we can figure, dancing to songs at sea which they’d be annoyed by on land releases something into the bloodstream. For approximately two weeks following a cruise, they will spontaneously twitch to the rhythm of such popular cruise anthems as Pitbull’s “Freedom” and Black Eyed Peas “I Gotta Feeling.” Never fear, however. Soon after, they’re back to uttering, “They call that music?” and harrumphing… until they next set sail.
3. Compulsive Neuro Triviaitis
Having spent a week being quizzed about everything from The Hunger Games to ‘80s hair bands, it’s not at all unusual for recent voyagers to spontaneously shout out answers to questions no one has asked. Be warned that people caught in the grips of this particular illness can be quite surly if not rewarded for knowing the circumference of the earth, so it’s always best to have a prize on hand. They tend to like things on sticks, so keep popsicles on hand at all times.
4. Wibbly-Wobbly Disorder
This one tends to strike people who sailed on particularly rough seas. For several days after returning to dry land, they can find themselves lurching down hallways as if still being bandied about by waves on the ocean. It is highly recommended that suffers not be allowed alcohol until symptoms subside… unless, of course, others in the house are bored and hoping the tipsy tumbling of their loved one will prove more entertaining than NCIS reruns.
5. Post-Traumatic Cruise Syndrome
The bad news: This one is unavoidable, and will strike an estimated 98.3 percent of cruisers within 24-48 hours after disembarkation. The good news, however, is that the cure is as simple as booking a new cruise as quickly as possible, and then taking glances at your countdown clock as often as proves necessary to stave off depression.
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