Funnyman Bill Engvall has a famous routine in which he suggests that stupid people should be given signs so that we know, right off the bat, what we’re dealing with because there are certain things that smart folks really shouldn’t have to be told. You know, things like, “Do not use this toaster while in the bathtub.” Likewise, there are things cruise lines probably shouldn’t have to actually tell passengers… and yet do, because, well… thoughtless people. Or, in some cases, rude people. These are actual quotes you’ll find on websites or in promotional materials for some of your favorite cruise lines. No, seriously. People have to be told these things.
1. “Do not climb or sit on the balcony railing.”
This would seem to be just about the most obvious thing in the world. How could anyone not immediately recognize the danger in doing so? And yet, we’ve all seen idiots doing exactly this in order to take the perfect selfie or recreate the famous “I’m king of the world!” moment from the flick Titanic.
2. “Refrain from texting or using your phone during the show.”
Given that people who pay $100 or more to see a Broadway play are rude enough to do this, it should probably come as no surprise when the guy who spent the day getting his money’s worth out of the beverage package does it – sign or no sign.
3. “Parents should supervise their children at all times.”
Call me crazy — you wouldn’t be the first (right, mom?) — but I can’t imagine dumping a kid at a pool or letting them run around the ship without adult supervision. Do these parents get that the ship is in the middle of the ocean, and kids tend to do stuff like… well, see No. 1 on this list!
4. “Bathing suits are not appropriate attire for any of our theater productions.”
As a general rule, if you wouldn’t be allowed to wear it to a movie theater back home, you probably shouldn’t wear it into a theater or restaurant at sea. If you wear a Speedo to the ship’s production, I can only hope you will be called up on stage so that we can mock both your fashion sense and decision-making skills – or lack thereof.
5. “Please use the tongs and do not touch the food with your hands.”
In my head, I know that on every single ship there will be people who ignore this simple request for common decency. Some of those people probably just used the restroom and blew past the Washy-Washy girls. But I can’t think about this one too much, or I’ll throw up in the back of my mouth a little.
What else do people have to be warned against when , in reality, they should flat-out know better than to do?