Editorial

5 TV Shows We Want to Cruise With

If, like me, you’ll watch pretty much anything on television that is even remotely related to cruising. Which explains why, despite having never seen the show before in my life, I watched the recently-aired mid-season finale of Castle, the first half of which was filmed aboard the Queen Mary and involved the slaying of a ship-board entertainer. (Given that Disney owns ABC, we’re surprised the series didn’t take the opportunity to drum up a little corporate synergy. Then again, Mickey and murder probably don’t make for a great fit!) And while I can’t say the hour convinced me to add Castle to my weekly line-up, it did get me thinking about how other shows I watch might incorporate my favorite mode of transportation into their plots!

1. Masters of Sex

Bill and Virginia, aka the Masters & Johnson who spent almost as much time exploring one another’s anatomy as they did studying human sexuality, are always looking for places to be together, far from the prying eyes of his wife, her husband and their children. By setting sail on a luxury liner, they could not only canoodle over cocktails but question the crew about their high seas carnal encounters! As with Castle, the Queen Mary would make the perfect ship for the series to film on given that it, like Bill and Virginia, is from another era!

2. The Walking Dead

Given all the horrors that our hearty band of travelers have survived over the past few years, aren’t they deserving of a little vacation? And what better way to escape those hungry zombies than by finding a ship, treating any on-board walkers like passengers who refuse to disembark and, once the vessel’s been cleared for travel, set sail! Imagine the cookies Carol could bake if she had an entire galley at her disposal! And Carl, who’s been forced to grow up way too fast, could spend a little time getting in touch with his inner child by trading in his real gun for one in the arcade!

3. The Bold & the Beautiful

If any daytime soap was up to the challenge of having their stories unfold on a cruise ship for a while, it’s this one. More than any other modern soap, this L.A.-based sudser routinely goes outside the studio, occasionally even venturing overseas. The Forrester clan around whom the serial revolves have jetted to Italy, Australia and Paris, so it’s easy to imagine them hanging out on a luxury line. Heck, it wouldn’t even be their first time they used a cruise line as the backdrop for a plot: Back in 1989, the soap staged a fashion show aboard the Queen Mary which is, it turns out, a pretty popular ship among location scouts!

4. The Real Housewives of Atlanta

The ladies — and I use the term loosely — recently were invited by Kenya to enjoy an afternoon “booze cruise” which quickly turned into a booze brawl. As Cynthia and Porsha turned the get together into the biggest sea-set disaster since The Poseidon Adventure, I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to watch these girls spend a week on a ship. Make no mistake: You could not pay me to be on board at the same time as these shade-throwing, weave-pulling, down-and-dirty divas… but I’d watch on TV. I’m not proud of it, but I would.

5. American Horror Story

The one-setting-per-season anthology series has thus far done a haunted house, a creepy coven, a literally insane asylum and a hair-raising hotel. How about next season, they board a cruise ship with a haunted history? Sure, this was the premise of the 2002 flick Ghost Ship, but if there’s one thing Hollywood loves more than three-martini lunches, it’s a reboot! If this happens, however, we’re going to insist that they bring on the cast of the original Love Boat in supporting roles. Because who didn’t always think Julie McCoy was one fake smile away from going on a killing spree?